I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th