I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*