@AlisonLeiby: I'm calling Facebook "Mom" now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins' birthdays.
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@faizziy: My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
@secondofhername: If you reply with "sky" each time I ask what's up, I shall assume you're homeless.
@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.