I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew