“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Weirdly Wednesday.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.