“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent: