@Phook75: I'm certain my job is interfering with my drinking
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@KyleMcDowell86: ME: I need help losing weight. I've tried everything. NARRATOR: He hadn't tried anything at all. Nothing.
@Wakenbake77: Accidentally walked into the women's bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
@noog: Cop: Is that a turtle? Me: ... Cop: Painted blue? Me: ... Cop: With nails glued on? Me: ... Cop: Mario Kart's not real Me: YOURE NOT REAL
@KrazykurtKurt: Job interview: "what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date" "I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning"