Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: