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@Phook75: I'm certain my job is interfering with my drinking
@shkeeber: "Knock knock"
"Get out of the house. I live here now."
@KyleDodsonFunny: GF: "Call me ASAP, it's an emergency!"
Me: "Hi ASAP, it's an emergency!"
@QuotingJokes: Me: I'm happy right now. Life: Lol one sec
@ElleOhHell: [front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
@_GrahamPatrick: PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it's a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]