@Phook75: I'm certain my job is interfering with my drinking
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@heatherlou_: I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we're both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
@BCMontgo: Wife: How'd this get broken? Me: Probably the kids. Wife: We don't have any kids. Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
@bzamayo: Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
@Abusitron: ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants* DR: Ok what seems to be the problem? ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin