@Brianhopecomedy: I'm circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, "BRAKES!".
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@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
@robdelaney: Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
@weinerdog4life: If I was a police sketch artist I would be like "is this the guy?" And they would be like "nope that's a barn" because I can only draw barns