I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
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Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
this is me
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]