I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
You Might Also Like
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
From Facebook just now…
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I ate everything, including the H.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing