I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
never deleting this app.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Social Media and Real life
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Breaking news:
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef