I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
i dont have time for this