I’m confused about plants
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
back to work
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”