Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Warm pools make me nervous.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up