OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
looks legit
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.