I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Born to be mild.
me
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years