I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you