@CrankyPappy: I'm constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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@pleatedjeans: me: can I buy you a drink? girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one me: [spits in it] How about now?
@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
@knot_eye: Her: I bet you forgot it. Him: I have a photographic memory. [shakes violently] Her: ? Him: Sorry, it's a Polaroid. Is it Becky? Her: NO
@Cpin42: A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like "Does it really fire babies?" & "Have you seen my son Jeff?"