I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence