“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
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Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Always.
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It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
cry laughing at this shit
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape