Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
this came to me in a vision
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together