@plumbur: I'm convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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@_b1p0larbear: Thinking about kids? My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.
@daemonic3: REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don't you dare ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
@anerdonfire2: The good news: She actually gave me her number The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away