@plumbur: I'm convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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@iwearaonesie: if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument
@GuyThe_Guy: In Maryland we can't legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
@BriarSlyMalice: HIM: My new girlfriend's name is "Bella". That means "Beautiful" in Italian. ME: It also means "War" in Latin...so good luck with that.
@AngryBlkManDC: On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I'd been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.