I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
what’s really going on
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent