I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.