I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
You Might Also Like
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Growing out my freckles.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming