I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that鈥檚 just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren鈥檛 supposed to see that.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I don鈥檛 know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he鈥檚 running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My mom, to me as a kid: You鈥檇 probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It鈥檚 crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Home #decor warning.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Imagine owning a dragon鈥ow set yourself on fire, because that鈥檚 what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros