@AimeeHelene1: I'm convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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@truegritrumble: I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn't be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@murrman5: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
@samalmightysam: I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.