I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.