I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”