I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Bread puns are on the rise!
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.