@Hobo_Splendido: I'm crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.
@cwhudson: [Olive Garden] PATRON: there are so many types of pasta WAITER: [required to say this] yes...*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
@WookieOnUnicorn: How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?