I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…