IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
The three genders
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Barbie gone wild
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office