I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*