I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You Might Also Like
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time