Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
shut up and take my money
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
repaired
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?