Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.