It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Merry Christmas
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.