I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.