I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.