I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
You Might Also Like
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Great game to play with friends
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Intelligence is the new cleavage
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me irl
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Ok, but like, how married are you?