Alexa, make me look good naked.
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*