me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
got so much cardio in today
My good tweets are in my other pants.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out