I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
You Might Also Like
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.