I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Feel. He’s so soft.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The Sun
My life coach traded me.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??