You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that