“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
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Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees