I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
channeling her this year
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor: