Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime