If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.