I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Covid like
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….