I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.