[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
do u think theres a butter planet?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese