@Sarcasticsapien: I'm done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.
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@Aspersioncast: My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
@Parkerlawyer: People that don't tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened... Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
@armyVet1972: 1997: Skynet becomes self-aware 2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor 2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
@onlxn: TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die