I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.