I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
😲 WTF? 😆