I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
*skinny dips into black hole
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”